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Adoption Help: Loss and Grief for the 7-12 Year Old – Why Was I Given Away? (Domestic Infant)
All parents want their children to develop a healthy sense of self; a child who grows up feeling that they have a fixed place and role in your family and also in society. Adoptive parents will need to be aware that they may need to work with their child to help them manage identity issues. Not all, but some adopted individuals feel that their connection to the world is undefined or ambiguous.
When your child reaches the age of 7 to 12, he or she is now old enough to understand more about adoption. It is at this age when they are faced with the reality that their biological parents choose to place them with another family. A child in this age group will try to make sense of this by what they have been told by you, by taking in your unspoken feelings, and by their own “fantasies”. The realization of their assumption (I was given away) can cause the following feelings:
• Shame
• Anger
• Hurt
• Confusion
• Fear
Many adopted children are aware that openly expressing sadness, doubt or confusion about their adoption will hurt their parents’ feelings. These children tend to hide and/or ignore difficult feelings for fear of being unfaithful to you. It takes a confident parent to calmly and openly discuss uncomfortable aspects of adoption. As Adoptive Parents, it can be difficult to hear and accept that your child may experience loss because she or he was adopted. It is important to work through your own painful feelings of loss surrounding adoption (infertility, fear of birth parents, etc.), so that you will be able to effectively help your adopted child. Denying or suppressing your child’s feelings will interfere with the development of a healthy self-esteem that comes from a strong sense of self (identity). Supporting and working with your child as he or she processes feelings will help him or her move forward.
Every human being is uniquely and beautifully made. Many adoptees are remarkably free of difficult surrounding adoption issues. Loss and grief will be more intense for some than others. What can you do if you have a child who needs help? As your child’s parent, you are specially equipped to help them talk, listen, and be in tune with who they are and what they need. If your child is really struggling, contact your local adoption agency for recommendations on counseling, support groups, etc. There are many resources available to help you and your child through some of the difficult issues that can come with adoption.
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