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Communications During and After Divorce: The Importance of NOT Taking Things Personally
As a divorcing or divorced parent, how well have you communicated with your ex or soon-to-be ex?
More importantly, in what ways is the current dynamic affecting your child? Have you ever stopped to think about this?
Looking back at the beginning of your relationship, think about the excitement, anticipation, romance, and wonderful conversations the two of you had. You two seem to talk about everything? I bet the connection between the two of you is attractive!
At this point in your separation or divorce, this magical connection between the two of you has now faded into the background, certainly due in large part to a breakdown in communication and an apparent disconnect.
What caused the discord and why?
What changed? Or a more pertinent question is “Who changed?”
Do you remember a specific time when things started to shift? Has the listening stopped and the reactive behavior started?
When it comes to divorce, it’s often the case that “one party” either stops caring about listening or starts getting triggered by something the other party says or does.
When frustration and anger take hold, it’s usually because things have been taken personally, which is what triggers the reaction. These reactions are often defensive or anger-based, and often lead to constant fighting between the two of you.
It’s ironic when you take things personally. Your ex-spouse’s reaction most likely has little or nothing to do with you and more to do with their past experiences and relationships.
However, your deepest fears are triggered, leading to reactionary behavior filled with contempt, defensiveness, frustration, anger, and resentment.
Even more ironic is that when you react, the ex will take your words and actions as directed at you, further stoking their deepest fears and fueling an already reactionary hellfire.
This becomes a vicious cycle that is extremely difficult to stop.
The worst part is the effect on your child. There may be emotional and psychological trauma, which can negatively affect their future relationships and lives.
As a parent, everything you say and do will set an example, teach and influence your children. Even if they are not present during your interaction with their other parent.
How is this possible? Because you and the other person are angry, and you don’t realize it, you’re reacting to your child’s words and actions instead of being calm and kind. You also radiate energy fueled by the fiery heat of the overwhelming emotions that caused you to react in the first place.
The example you set in your relationship with your ex (your child’s other parent) is how they subconsciously believe a relationship should be. This bears repeating…how you interact with your ex-spouse, you are how your children believe the relationship will be for them. This can definitely affect your child’s future relationships.
Be aware of the impact of your words, actions, choices, actions and reactions on your ex, yourself and your children. Every choice you make has ripple effects, especially the choices you make when dealing with your child’s other parent. Whether you realize it or not, your child is caught in the middle.
When you stop taking your ex’s words and actions personally and start thinking about things calmly and rationally, you can start a dramatic transformation that will benefit everyone, especially your kids, and you too.
You will be setting a more positive example for your child. They will be more balanced and happier.
You’ll also reduce your own depression, anxiety, and anger. Yes, this in turn has an additional positive effect on your own health!
How do you start creating this shift in communication and stop taking things from your ex?
By gathering clarity of what you really want to create for your child, and laser honing in on why you want to do it. For me, it’s absolutely all about my young daughter.
Yes, there’s a reason your kids are so much older than you or your ex.
Your kids are the reason you need to stop making it personal and start making it about your kids…for their sake and yours.
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