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My Body My Weapon
In yoga class the other day, I noticed this particularly beautiful girl with an equally beautiful body and I thought to myself, “How does she do it?”
I wasn’t as intrigued by how she stayed slim and fit as I was by how easily she moved her body despite the onlookers. She flaunts you can say it yourself. Men and women noticed her, and she showed off every pose like a pro, no matter how contorted or contorted she was, sometimes revealing even the most intimate parts.
Of course, she is not the only woman on earth who is not ashamed to show herself, and luckily for her, it is not a problem for her. But for others it is an important issue, including me.
I grew up in an unsafe environment, emotionally, physically and sexually, and although I was never actually sexually abused (some incidents remain suspicious), there was always that threat, and as a young child and teenager I felt the danger. My subconscious was always on high alert, ready for attack, and had inscribed a list of ways to protect myself that only my adolescent mind could think of.
The physical abuse in my home was rampant, even for the slightest infraction, so there was a real threat of abuse. However, coupled with the perversity of an unhealthy male role model, I never felt safe to show myself for fear of negative consequences, so I found unhealthy ways of not doing it, such as gaining weight, which followed me well into adulthood .
I was too immature and too confused to know better, and just trying to survive in a situation where I knew no way out, and because the job of your subconscious mind serves one purpose and one purpose only – preservation – you do what you have to do exactly that.
Most 14-year-old girls are not emotionally strong enough, nor do they have an idea how to use their minds to protect their bodies. They don’t know what to say, how to say it, or the confidence it takes to get someone back, so what’s a girl to do?
What makes sense in the moment.
I subconsciously thought that since men are only attracted to really attractive women, I wouldn’t make myself attractive because who wants someone who is overweight anyway? We know that’s not really true, but as a girl I didn’t have it. I thought all my self-worth was tied up in my looks, and being fat would be my secret survival weapon.
When you’re in it, you don’t realize it. You just do, or act, in whatever way makes the most sense to you at the time, and I got the message that being thin was way too scary because it would attract a lot of attention from people I didn’t care about wow, as I got anywhere near it, all the red flags went up, the warning signals sounded, and I gained weight. If I lost it, I gained it back, and if I didn’t just diet, I just gained, which put me on a perpetual cycle of win/lose win/loss for over 30 years.
Not having an understanding of any of this led to feelings of worthlessness, belief in my lack of willpower, and a disaster of self-criticism, which did not help matters; instead of using my mind for progress, it became my worst enemy, forcing me to continue to believe that I was in fact a miserable loser as I had been told, thus compounding an already weakened and weakened mentality that was far from connected to reality.
I had no choice, my wounded psyche settled on all it knew how to do, which was to use my body as my weapon, but unfortunately not in a cool, secret agent kind of way. Instead, I built a protective suit of armor of fat that was intended to deter any unwanted progress, and it worked.
Outwardly, I hate myself. Internally my green light was off. There was no pillow talk for me, that suited me just fine. And the more fat I had, the safer I felt. No one wants a fat chick I reasoned all the while I blame myself for my lack of willpower and inability to control my food. It didn’t even help when I dated someone who was safe. All men carried too great a risk in my mind.
It wasn’t until my mind matured and I felt more confident that I was in control of my circumstances that I called a truce and finally ended the cycle of abuse. All the diets in the world would never have solved the mystery of why my weight kept fluctuating all these years because it had nothing to do with counting calories. The issue was clearly much deeper than that and required an in-depth interview that only I could uncover. If I had never realized it, I would still feel like a failure when it came to my weight.
Understanding the hidden reasons why your weight does not change is required to have even the slightest chance of living a naturally thin lifestyle. When you’re ready to peel back the layers and clear away the blocks that stood between you and your ideal body, the breakthroughs come in waves, making it much easier to adjust to whatever you already know about right food and sports.
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