Parenting Your Adolescent: 3 Powerful Steps to Being an "In-Charge" Parent

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Parenting Your Adolescent: 3 Powerful Steps to Being an "In-Charge" Parent

Q. How do I get over the 16 year old who only does things on his time frame. For example, when I ask him to do something, he deliberately takes his time just to let me cross. I’m not sure what to do.

IN. This is a great question for at least two reasons: It provides an opportunity to share some basic principles for parenting teenagers and allows me to provide some solutions.

Basic principles

The average 16-year-old is 16 going on 26 and 16 going on 6 all at the same time.

Take the verbal ability and “wisdom” of 16 continue at 26, mix well with the “I want what I want when I want it, that’s now!” of the 16 going on 6, and you have a powerful, demanding and very manipulative creature.

You can’t do much of anything to a teenager. At least not without many unpleasant consequences for you, the teenager and the relationship.

As I have said many times before, trying to control a teenager is like trying to put pants on a gorilla. It will just frustrate you and make the gorilla really mad.

However, with the right strategies, you can have a lot of influence on your teens, their choices and their environment. More on this a little later.

Teenagers, like all children, are very obedient by nature.

No, I haven’t lost my mind or left the real world. Teenagers are very obedient to the ways we teach them to behave. We teach them how to behave, either directly, by our example, or indirectly, by what we allow them to get away with and by what we allow them to do.

Solutions

Somehow, and it doesn’t really matter how, your son has gotten the idea that he can get away with what he’s doing.

Here are three solutions to turn this thing around:

1. Our children are bright and know what bugs us. As they get older, it becomes a sport to see what they can do to us in our frustration. It makes them feel a little powerful.

So, the first solution is to detach from the behavior and reactions that are so annoying to you. Since the behavior has probably been occurring for some time, you just need to stop being surprised by her acting out. Expect the behavior. When it comes, detach from the invitation to be upset.

If your son opens his mouth and/or behaves in the way that has upset you so far, imagine a big hook coming out of his mouth coming right at you to hook you. with your mouth closed.

If nothing else, this will amuse you and cause you to smile in a stressful situation. That will make your child wonder what is going on, which is good in this situation.

2. Next, give an “illusion of choice and control.” Part of the struggle for adolescents is to be more and more in charge of themselves, which means they have more control and choices in their own lives. We want them to be more and more in charge of themselves, or they will be living at your house when they are 30.

So, if you want your teen to complete a task, let’s say take his shoes to his room, here’s what you say: “I want you to get your shoes in the bedroom. You can do it now or on the end of the next commercial, (when this show ends, before you go to bed, etc.)” You, as a parent, choose the “by when” part.

3. Follow this up with, “You have to make some decisions, choices and results. If you ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ decides to choose not to do what I´ve asked, then the bad result will be …” _ something that you can control as a parent and that will be unpleasant enough for your teenager. Since he is in this case 16 , if he has a driver’s license, you have a very nice leverage.

You continue: “If you decide to do what I have asked, then the good results will be that you will be able to do more of what you like to do. I will see what you decide.”

Then go away. Do not participate in a debate.

And one more suggestion: If you enter this plan, you must be prepared to stick with it for the long term. I can predict that if you apply these solutions, you will get some “change back” behavior from your son.

Change back behavior is basically your son saying, “But mom, I like it as it was before when I was in charge. Please tell me you don’t really mean this! And, because I think you really don’t mean it, I’ll try my best to get you back and change back.”

What you don’t get is, “Thank you, Mom. What a great solution to this problem we had. I think now I want to grow up to be a counselor.”

No, it just won’t happen.

Stick with these solutions, and I think you’ll like the results.

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